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Monday, June 30, 2014

Extended Breastfeeding & Weaning

Alternate Title: "All Done Mama Milk"



So yeah, my kid is so old I can't even count her age in months without doing the math, but she's been nursing since Day One. Until now. That's Day 823 for anyone who's counting. Save for a few days in there where I was out of town on a girls' trip. And yes, I feel somewhat brave for posting this photo (again). In part, because I can be somewhat modest about my body. But mostly because nursing, in general - and specifically, nursing a toddler - is not an overly common sight. Maybe this one photo speaks to an attempt to "normalize" the event, at least by US standards.

I certainly never set out to be the hippie parent who breastfeeds her toddler. If you'd asked my childless self five or 10 years ago, I probably would have told you that nursing a kid beyond infancy is freakish. That if a kid can walk and talk and poop in the potty, they are too old to be drinking from the teet. That it makes for needy children who never learn independence. That there's no way those kids can meet their developmental milestones, at least not the social ones. But now, obvi, I'd argue differently. And fortunately I live in Portland where several of my neighbors are still nursing their two-year-olds with nary a second thought. But I've been self-conscious about our "dirty little secret" since she was about 18 months old. That's not to say I've ever hidden the fact I'm still nursing, but I can't seem to confess this without a self-deprecating sidenote, or practically an apology.  "I still nurse the Bean to sleep ... yeah, sorry ... uh, um ... I'll probably have to go to college with her to help her sleep ... haha." I'm not sure where my subconscious nursing shame comes from, but I would guess it's just a factor of  society - behaving differently than the vast majority of my peer group. No one has ever made me feel embarrassed for nursing the Bean. Not when she was little, and not even now. But my awareness that it is atypical is enough for me to feel a bit funny about it all, leaving me a "closet nurser."

All that said, the "shame" did little to motivate me to end our very positive nursing relationship. While I certainly am one to respond to my own anxieties with a solid round of self-deprecation, I am not one to necessarily change my actions because of perceived "peer pressure." And part of me admits to liking being different, and taking a bit of inflated pride in the fact that my kid still nurses - meanwhile meeting, if not exceeding, all her developmental milestones, including being potty-trained relatively early; she is rarely sick; she thrives in daycare with a part-time working mom; and she is equally comfortable/attached to Daddy as she is to Mama.

But I have spent the past year wondering if/when/how our nursing relationship would come to an end. I've never broken up with anyone before. I've officially quit (without reasons like moving or returning to school) maybe one job ever. Getting the Bean out of our bed and "sleep training" her for my sanity was a significant challenge. I was assuming - and hoping - that the Bean would just wean herself; that one day she would just decide that milk is for Babies and she's a Big Kid. I originally thought she initiated weaning when I wrote about it here. But not so. And still, she has given no such indication that she would be weaning herself anytime soon. Contrary to my mostly "child-led" parenting style, I am having to initiate the process, because I'm officially, mostly, over it. And since we're kinda trying to get pregnant again, I'd rather do it now than when it literally is because another human is coming in to steal everything that Francie has come to know as hers.

There's actually not a lot of information out there on extended nursing. The recommendations are clear for exclusively breastfeeding for at least 6 months, then continuing to nurse up to 12 months, but then say "as long as mutually desirable for the mother and child," or something to that effect. So once you go over a year, there's little information about benefits, drawbacks, or approaches to weaning a toddler.

If you Google "extended breastfeeding," search suggestions such as "extended breastfeeding cons" or "controversy" also come up. I once wrote about that controversial Time Magazine cover, with the image of the hot young mom breastfeeding her large toddler boy standing on a stool. "Are you mom enough?," the tagline read. I provided a lot of the facts supporting breastfeeding there. But we're still talking about babies here. What about toddlers? Our pediatrician said that there aren't any well-documented physical benefits of nursing beyond infancy, but that there also aren't any well-founded reasons to stop. I read on the World Health Organization (WHO) website the following quote:

"If every child was breastfed within an hour of birth, given only breast milk for their first six months of life, and continued breastfeeding up to the age of two years, about 800,000 child lives would be saved every year."

I'm not about to argue the direct correlation of my nursing the Bean well into toddlerhood and saving any lives, but I do propose that it has made her life, and our relationship, better. I was only nursing her for 5-10 minutes each day, before naps when I was around, and before bed every night. It wasn't a lot to give, but I think we both got a lot out of it. Namely, wiggle-free cuddles.

I liked this article from the Huffington Post about weaning a toddler. And while I'm grateful to not have had too much push back from the Bean, I wasn't without my anxieties about the psychological/emotional difficulties of weaning a toddler versus an infant.

And here's another nice piece from Blossom about her experience weaning her 4-year-old.

So because there's no real instruction manual for weaning, I relied on common sense to lead the way. First of all, I had stopped nursing the Bean most all times but before sleep several months ago, so it wasn't as if she were going cold turkey. In recent memory, she nursed regularly before bed, and often before nap (if we were home together). In the last month or two, we started talking a lot about the differences between "babies" and "big kids." We more or less identified Big Kids as those who are potty-training, drink only from cups (not boobs), and sleep without a pacifier. We discussed how Francie is doing a good job becoming a Big Kid, but that she's not quite there yet (she was still nursing, and she still uses her "Neenie" to sleep). I reminded her that mama milk is mostly for babies, and that Big Kids don't need mama milk, because they get all their good nutrition from what they eat and drink, and they get all their mama lovin' from hugs and kisses and cuddles. She was amenable to this notion. So I set the stage for this well before I was "done" nursing. Weaning has been on my mind for many, many months now, but only very recently was I ready to call it quits. When it was time, well after we'd laid the ground work, I tapped into the indisputable power of stickers to create this really high-tech chart. I explained to her that after she got a sticker in each box, we would go on a special ice cream date.



It's been over a week now since she quit the sauce, and while she's asked for "mama milk" at bedtime, she hasn't protested when I offer her a cuddle or song instead. It might be weird, but I just feel so proud of her.

I will admit to a bit of anxiety about nursing #2, if and when that should happen. As in, what if we have breastfeeding difficulties, or my milk production is poor, or something about our nursing relationship isn't as sustainable. In 25 years from now, is #2 going to be in counseling saying, "Well, my sister Francie was nursed until she was older than 2, and I only got 6 months at the teet. That's the origin of all my problems."

And while I'm proud of Francie, I'm proud of me, too, for having taken this prolonged adventure together, despite the occasional internal struggle about being "normal." But truth is, it's actually easier and more rewarding to nurse a toddler than it is an infant. I just love the shit out of this little Bean, and am so glad to have had hours upon hours of her in my arms and on my chest. So I thanked her with a family date to Salt n Straw.














2 comments:

  1. Oh Jo, I just loved this blog. I'm proud of you too.....for getting through the transition, and for nursing Francie as long as you wanted too. It's feels good to do what you want to and to do what feels right. Right on dudettes.

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  2. Love this post. Thanks for the articles and pointers :)

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